NSFW RECAP

Jake the Socialist   18 October 2017

Good Fucking Win Boys!!!

Save for the penalty parade around SAP Center the 2nd and 3rd period, the boys seemed to really show up tonight and make some good adjustments. Pretty even first period. Penalty-filled second that saw the Sharks come out on top, solid lock-it-down third. What more do you want? Let’s get to some quick hits…

Tomas Hertl - Totally meant to tip that trickler passed Carey “Why Can’t I Ever Beat The FuckDam Sharks” Price. And I mean hey, PDB says he’s got that big booty and to use it. So I guess we gotta call him Big Booty.

Joakim Ryan - About as steady as a porn star’s cum shot. Sure he had a couple lapses here and there, but no one is perfect and you can still count his NHL experience on one hand. Think of it this way… would you rather have Joakim Ryan or former Sharks greats like Colin White, Kent Huskins, Niclas Wallin, Roman Polak, Recycled Scott Hannan or Brad Stuart??? What about busted ass prospects like Mirco Mueller? Nick Petrecki? Or maybe Taylor Doherty or William Wrenn? (WHO TF EVEN ARE THEY???) The answer is a resounding FUCK NO! Good on Joakim.
(Also mini shout out to Tim Heed, didn’t hear your name a lot tonight. Which is usually a good thing for a Dman, you and Ryan both played 15+ minutes so I aint mad. Next stop, getting Dilly and Braun off the PK)

Carey Price - Dude, why the hell can’t you beat us? You are made out to be this GOD TIER goalie. And yet, you haven’t ever really dropped your COSMIC SHIT HAMMER on us…. Like the other season when you and the Habs were stomping everyone in sight… we were the first team to chase you…. Wassup wit dat, bro???? Take a night off, you overpaid scrub!

Jumbo Joe Thornton - You are the best teammate man. If you didn’t have a smoking hot wife, I would give you my sister’s number in a heartbeat. That look for Logan at the end of the game is what makes us love you to the point where an entire fanbase would be totally okay seeing your cock and balls. I mean shoot, we’d would jump at the chance at this point. #CockTrick

Martin Jones - I said you were “average” in the GDT, but the two goals you gave up tonight were Wunderkind and Pissbaby-in-Training Jonny Drouin with a wicked wrister that Carey “Sharkbait” Price would not have stopped either and Shea Weber unloading a fucking 12 gauge from the circles on a Powerplay. And father always said to respect guns… Can’t fault you for either, plus you had goal support, onto the next game you bug-eyed weirdo. (But he’s our bug-eyed weirdo)

Team as a Whole - You know what really got me aroused in the third period??? OFFENSIVE ZONE TIME. I mean Jesus H. Christ, I don’t think there was a single game last season that had you lot actually putting the skate to the throat and hemming the opponent in like you did tonight. And for that, I thank you boys!

Awards:

Best Shark - Logan Couture - For being in the right damn place and the right damn time. Twice. Hope that mouth isn’t too sore, if you know what I mean.

Best Non-Shark - The SAP Center Organ Player - Whoever it is has brought a solid library of songs to the Tank and I noticed! Let’s see an Original 6 Team get down to some metal the way our Organ Player was jammin’ Slayer’s Raining Blood!!! \m/

Best Shark Tank Comment - Surf City Sharks Fan, for “And yet another penalty... Are the refs getting paid by the call tonight?”