Welcome to SJST!

Chardougla   10 January 2017

Hello! Welcome to San Jose Shark Tank, or SJST. We are a San Jose Sharks Blog and Fan Community where we aim to bring you quality Sharks content and provide you a place to talk and exchange ideas with other Sharks fans that are just as crazy about this Stanley Cup challenged teal team as you are. In addition to this, we aim to keep the mood around here fun and light which means in addition to a long article about the struggles of the Sharks’ power play, you’ll see a power ranking of the Pacific Division jerseys. Basically we’re a bunch of silly idiots who are crazy about the Sharks to the point where we write articles about them. We started as 3 disgruntled commenters(me, SJSTFan, and Irbe’s Pads) on a different fan site. We gradually contacted each other a lot, mostly to complain about said different fan site, eventually deciding to create our own fan site. We recruited some other people who you will meet below to help us write articles for this site, and we are extremely excited to be rolling this out for you all! Below will be an introduction to the main people of the site, in addition to two things we hold very dear to our hearts.

Without further ado, I will explain our writer power structure. Because it is so convoluted, I will use Star Wars terms to explain it.

SJSTFan-The Emperor. He created the site, and doesn’t actually do much writing, just occasionally writes an article when it needs writing, but mostly spends his time commenting up the wazoo. He loves sarcasm, hates big government, and enjoys trolling extreme right wing and left wing internet sites.

ChardouglatheUte(me)-Darth Vader. I’m the content manager, which means I have to yell at people when they don’t post what they are supposed to post. I love sports, hate politics, and delight in triggering Irbe by waxing on about how much I enjoy the music of Fetty Wap.

Irbe’s Pads-Grand Moth Tarkin. He has authority as one of the founding 3(me, him, and SJSDFan). He is a passionate supporter of the North Edmonton Mall[sic], hates Ottawa, and is a fervent believer that most rap has gone down the drain since the glory days of Big Pun and Rakim

sharkzfan-Stormtrooper. He tends to like the more serious aspects of hockey writing, so you can probably go to him to get your Corsis and Fenwicks. He attends an institution of higher learning that is a member of the Southeastern Conference, hates SEC football, and is determined to start a Danny O’Regan fan club.

JakeBot-Scout Stormtrooper. He tends to enjoy the more silly aspects of hockey writing, so you can probably go to him to find out why Dustin Brown is most certainly a reptilian. He is from Long Beach, hates the Long Beach Public Transportation system, and is a happy beneficiary of California’s decision to legalize the recreational use of marijuana.

GiantJoner(formerly Dmitriy)-Imperial Review Officer. I just made this thing up, so don’t jump me Star Wars nerds. He just comes and makes sure we stay civil in our relations with outside entities. He loves civil discourse, hates irrationality, and just generally thinks we are more than a little petty.

Now that the writer responsibilities have been hammered out, let’s move on to the far more complicated structures, the Sharks Watch and the Faith of Jonerism. These are two pillars that SJST is based on, and to join SJST is to understand these organizations and pledge your allegiance to one of them. There was many a debate as to which was more important, so I will set the record straight. Both organizations are of equal importance. The Watch came along first, originally as just an optimistic “the Sharks will win the Cup!” force. However, after the heroics of Jones in Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Final, the Faith of Jonerism was formed, to worship His Holy prowess in the goaltending arts. The Faith gave the Watch new purpose, as the Watch now serves to find the last two books of the Ledger of Jonerism, more commonly known as the last two wins required to win the Stanley Cup. The Watch could and has been described as the military arm of the Faith. This could give the impression that the Watch is under the Faith. This impression is false. The Watch is the military arm of the Faith, and the Faith is the spiritual arm of the Watch. They are equals. You do not have to be a member of the Faith to serve in the Watch(see Clockwork Shark), just as you do not have to serve in the Watch to be a part of the Faith. With that said, I am now going to lay out the leadership positions of both organizations. I will begin with the Watch, as they began first.

The Sharks Watch:

The Lord Commander- Irbe’s Pads. Head of the Watch. Not much else to say here. He commands the legions. You join the Watch, you report to him.

First Ranger- SJSDFan. He manages the day to day business of the Watch. When you first join the Watch, it is he who shows you the ropes.

Master at Arms- Clockwork Shark. He fashions the weapons. Want a cool saying for your sig? Hit up Clockwork.

Rogue Sword of the Watch- JakeBot. The greatest warrior of the Watch. The bodyguard of the Lord Commander. It is he who leads the frontlines against the doubters.

The Faith of Jonerism:

3rd Prophet of Jonerism- ChardouglatheUte. The Head of Jonerism. Chief among the prophets. Why does his title say 3rd Prophet? No one really knows. It is one of the mysteries lost to the sand of time. Sufficed to say, no one knows the intricacies of the Faith quite like he does.

Head Prophet of Jonerism- Captain America’s Wookie Squad. Maker of the Prayers. His title is confusing, but understand he is second in the Faith’s hierarchy. He is responsible for coming up with the prayers needed to properly appeal to Jones. If you join the Faith, it will be he who teaches you the basic fundamentals.

Master of Ceremonies- sharkzfan. He who holds the Scepter of Jones. A service to the Joner cannot begin without his blessing.

Holy Sword of the Faith- Golden State Gopher. Guardian of the 3rd Prophet. He is the only true warrior of the Faith. His loyalty is to Jones, and Jones alone. Cross him at your peril.

So that’s it. When you first join this blog, you must choose an organization to align yourself most closely with. You may decide after you join the Watch that you also wish to be a part of the Faith, or vice versa. That is fine. Many of our leaders are members of both. It is encouraged. You must choose one, however, to devote your fullest of attentions to. Whether it be the spirituality of the Faith that captures your interest, or the practicality and drive of the Watch, choose wisely, for you only make this choice once. Also, Botswana has a teal flag. We like Botswana. Botswana is dope.